Scared
by Sandiane Carter
Summary: Cuddy's thoughts in the middle of "Help Me"


_This is an attempt at picturing what it must have been like to be Cuddy in the end of the sixth season … =) I was kinda delighted (!) by the end, though I did not expect it considering the rest of the season. So I wanted to make it believable. This starts in the middle of 'Help Me', just after she and House have fought and said pretty nasty things to each other._

_English is not my first language, so if you find anything weird or any mistakes, feel free to tell me __._

**Scared**

Lisa Cuddy turned her back on Gregory House and bit her lip very hard to keep herself from crying. She didn't know who she was feeling the most sorry for: herself, or House. His words hurt, and of course, as usual – damn him – they hurt because they were true.

She hated him just for that. For having this kind of power over her. The kind of power Lucas would never have. She took a deep breath and started crawling through the passage which would lead her back to that poor woman with her leg stuck in the debris.

To be honest, she knew this 'new life' with Lucas had little chance to happen. Yes, he was sweet, and yes, it felt like such a relief to have someone nice and caring around. But that was also why she had picked him. He was harmless. He couldn't hurt her: that was the bright side. The downside was… That he could not make her happy. Their relationship had all felt like a dream: unreal. And she had always expected to wake up. And now they were engaged.

Maybe it is time to wake up, Lisa, she told herself.

She finally reached Hannah, and tried to comfort her as well as she could, before voicing the horrible news that amputation was going to be necessary. But the young woman didn't want to hear any of this. She wanted House. Well, so do I, Cuddy felt like saying, but sadly he is not going to show up.

Once again, he proved her wrong. He had proved her wrong an awful lot this past year. It seemed as if he really did want to change, really did care about people. She knew what he had done for Wilson and Sam, and maybe she realized it better than any one of them. She realized what it had cost him.

Still, she couldn't bring herself to believe it. She had gotten hurt so many times… Countless times. And now, she had found Lucas, and she did not, _could_ not relinquish this chance of happiness for a hypothetical change on House's part. It could not be true, she kept telling herself; she should not believe it, she was going to end up hurt, and alone, as she always did. He just wanted to have fun with her. She could not let him do that. She was _scared_. And there was Rachel…

But lately, it had become harder and harder to protect herself. He seemed so _sincere_, so… unlike his old self. Well, he was still House, still a jerk, still a witty, irresistible smart-ass. But he did not seem to hiding his feelings anymore. Oh, God, when she had talked about being friends and he had said… She remembered the exact words: "it's funny, it's the last thing I want us to be". The look in his eyes had been so open, honest. And hard. She had been the one to run away that time. She had walked to the elevator – as slowly as she could manage – and once inside, had started shaking so badly that she had had to press the 'stop' button in order to collect herself.

He set her off balance. Merely thirteen words, and he could turn her whole world upside down. At this point, she had started to understand that she had been lying to herself if she thought she could just walk away. It might have been possible with the old House… But now, it wasn't an option anymore. Because she would always wonder what could have happened. 'If he really had changed, and had been able to care for her in the way she wanted him – had always wanted him – to, then who knew…?' That's what the little voice in her head would tell her.

And it was not fair. After all these years he had spent hurting her, that he should be able to turn her around just by being nice… She knew that this was why she had behaved the way she had behaved lately. _No way_ that he could have her whenever he wanted, like all he had to do was asking. Yet, she also knew this had to stop, because she was hurting herself in the process. It had taken her that long to figure it out.

It wasn't worth it. If she had a chance of happiness with House, even a small one, even unlikely – she had to take it. Because happiness with House – with Greg – would be ten thousand times worth happiness with any other guy. And yeah, it was unfair, ridiculous even, but that was how it was. She just had to accept that.

So, as she watched him – disbelievingly at first – convince Hannah that amputation was her best shot, and talk with honesty and kindness to his patient, she said an inward goodbye to Lucas. And as tears came to her eyes, she accepted the possibility that Gregory House might have changed, and might even love her. She accepted that she had to give it a try. She watched him get inside the ambulance with Hannah and her husband, and it felt… It felt like her heart was going to burst.

It felt like it had not felt since that night at the conference, when they had danced. When he had told her he liked – had always liked – her. When she had ran away.

"You do make me feel funny."

Cuddy smiled shakily at the memory. Oh well, he had always made her feel so. She looked around, and went to ask some of the rescuers whether she was needed anywhere. She bandaged a young girl, who luckily was just slightly injured from the disaster. After that, making sure everything was under control, she took her phone off her pocket and dialed Lucas' number. The sooner, the better.

After fifteen minutes of stormy explanations, he hung up the phone on her, which she was grateful for. She was feeling guilt enough as it was. The last patients were being taken to various hospitals. She got into her car and hesitated for a split second. Foreman would know about the case, and he would be more straightforward than House. He may not know about Hannah, though. It was worth a shot anyway. He answered the first ring, and didn't let her speak at all:

"Great, Cuddy. Just the person I wanted to speak to_._ Just talked to House. His patient died on him. The black woman. A fat embolism: nothing he could have prevented. Still, he's feeling pretty bad, told me to get out of his way. Thought you might – "

"Thanks for letting me know" she cut him, and hung up.

Holy crap, she thought, starting her car. Crap, crap, crap. Why was it with Gregory House, that every time he took the chance to let someone matter, he just got hurt? Well, this time he wouldn't have to go through the pain alone, thought Cuddy decidedly. They had played enough stupid games.

If House wanted her by his side, then she would be there. She took the direction of his apartment, mentally praying that he'd be there. She would have to call Rachel's sitter too. Well, she thought with a frown, this was an emergency. On the worst of cases, Wilson could handle Rachel. He owed her that.

Gregory House needed her. The man that she loved – what good would it be to deny it now? – needed her. The rest could wait.

_You can (re)watch the end of "Help Me" to know what happens =) I might try to write the last scene from Cuddy's and House's points of view, but it will depend on my inspiration…_


End file.
